In this video, Daryle C. Tibbs gives a review of the book, Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford.
This book goes through approximately 48 statements and discusses whether those statements are True or false. Most of these are common sense; however, some of these discussions are helpful. Sometimes you can tell by the way the statement is worded. Absolute wording usually signifies that the statement is a delusion. The most helpful discussions for me personally were about center of influence and where to get the best referrals. The general advice given in this book is that the obvious choice is not always the best referral source. This book talks about the difference between visibility, credibility and profitability and how to focus the visibility and credibility to result in profitability. You cannot move on to the next stage in the relationship with another unless the other person is also ready to move into the next stage with you. The number one trait of master networkers is that they follow up on referrals given. Also, the most important concept to remember is that you should treat referrals the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated. This is something that I need to work on personally. The key to this advice is figuring out how someone wants to be treated. The only way to find this out is by getting to know the referral source and asking key questions that will provide insight into their values. Because I felt this book offered me little that I did not already know or that wasn’t common sense, I give this book 3 stars.
I highly recommend this book to people in the early stages of learning about the divorce that is barreling down the highway towards them. Crazy time, as the title suggests, acknowledges the craziness that can be divorce. This book focuses on the different stages of the process and the different ways for dealing with those stages. All of this is written through the lens of the author that describes the final days of, what she now acknowledges as the end of her marriage. This book is especially important for someone that has had very little experience with divorce, which we may believe can be very few people anymore that have not experienced divorce; however, people have a tendency and an ability to refuse to believe that this could ever happen to them. This is for those people. If they have blinders on when speaking to friends about their divorce, they probably have blinders on in their own marriage. The best part about this book is that before wrapping up, it acknowledges the good that comes out of marriages ending. This is important to me because this is one of the things I enjoy about my job. I get to see the transition from scared and weak to strong and ready for the change. This book presents the greener pastures beautifully. I would give this book five stars.
The premise of this book is that we will achieve greater results from employees by focusing on the employee’s strengths, rather than their weaknesses. The thing I like about this book is that the concept is simple. The authors know the concept is simple and instead of writing the same thing repeatedly, like some authors might, these authors explain the concept, provide examples of their theory, provide data to back it up and call it a day. It is a relatively short book that give some great examples. One example is of Susan, a manager. The first time she tried to recognize her star sales rep, she failed miserably, upsetting him in the process. This example shows the importance of figuring out what is important to your employees and awarding them in a way they recognize as positive. This is just some of the great advice this book provides for those tasked with managing others. Overall, I give this book four stars.
Parents are Forever presents a great concept for co-parenting. It uses the analogy of owning a business together with your partner to show how people should co-parent. Parents who work together to care for their children after divorce become co-parents. No matter how ex-spouses feel about each other personally, co-parents who want to be successful ACT reasonably. Parents should attend formal meetings where child-related issues are discussed. This concept requires healthy negotiating, which requires proper distance and respect for one another. The book provides an example for proper business meeting structure and a checklist of discussion points that need to be discussed. I give this book five stars for parents that are serious about successful co-parenting. Even after all of the advice, this book teaches techniques, like accepting an un-perfect result, which is important, because after all, divorce is an imperfect result to begin with. I like the concepts in this book so much that I often formally recommend (in my GAL report) that parents read this book in cases where I am acting as a GAL. I give this book five stars.
This book was given to me by a client. The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband, whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder.
Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book. Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book. I got through the first half of the book pretty quickly and then I stalled for approximately six months (maybe longer) before finishing the book. I was just having difficulty picking it up and getting through it towards the end. The information was very helpful for a person going through a difficult divorce with someone they suspect as having personality disorders/defects. The issue that I was having is that some of the legal-based information was inaccurate, and not in a, procedural differences between jurisdictions, kind of way. Some of the basic information was inaccurate and misleading, in my opinion.
The book attempts to address the different types of evaluators that can get involved in a divorce case. One such evaluator it discusses is “an attorney for minor children.” Even this label is frustratingly inaccurate. It leads the reader to believe that it is referring to an attorney representing the minor children. What I think it is actually referring to is a guardian ad litem, which is an attorney that represents the best interests of the minor children.
There is a very distinct difference between representing a minor child, which requires you to advocate for the position your client wants you to advocate for, and representing the best interests of the minor children, which requires you to advocate for the position that you feel is in the child’s best interests, regardless of what the child wants. If a parent wants the minor children to be represented by an attorney, the only way to accomplish this in a private custody case is to hire an attorney to do so. A Guardian Ad Litem is appointed by the Court and the Court makes an order about who will be responsible for payment of the GAL’s fees, which are usually divided equally by the parties. The entire section on this seems to confuse the two roles. There are a few other sections that are ambiguous or misleading, which I feel might result in confusion on the part of the client.
The book is not all bad though. It provides some great suggestions for how to deal with a high-tension, highly litigious opposing party. One of the best points made by the authors is the fact that highly aggressive attorneys often don’t win in the long run and that for negative advocate attorneys focus on their performance in court. They put on a show for their client and as a result, their client thinks they did a great job. This is something I have been telling my clients for years. I might add that the reason I know they are only putting on a show for their client is because, often times, attorneys go into chambers with the judge and discuss the issues before any hearing occurs. The judge often tells the attorneys their point of view on the issue after all arguments have been made. The attorneys and parties go on record thereafter, but at that point, it is only a procedural formality. The attorneys already know how the judge will rule before the formal hearing occurs. Any arguments made are only for the sake of the record and for the sake of the clients.
Another great resource and suggestion made is the open letter to family and friends in the back of the book. The letter is provided as a “suggested script” of a letter that a person can send to their family and friends as they are going through the divorce process. With some modifications, this letter could be used for almost any type of divorce. In a high-tension and highly litigious divorce, a letter like this is a great tool. One of the best pieces of information in the letter is to as your friends and family not to take sides in the divorce. By way of example it states, “while siding with me may give me a temporary feeling of satisfaction, it is a form of all-or-nothing thinking that reinforces seeing one person as all bad and the other as all good.” So basically, you are using the letter to ask your friends and family not to talk smack about your soon to be ex because that leads to deeper feelings of resentment and vindictiveness. This is a great idea because those feelings usually already exist in abundance and do not need to be reinforced.
Overall, I give this book 3 stars.
Clients often come to me before they have told anyone what they are going through, and that includes their children. Clients often ask me how to have the divorce discussion with their children. My answer is that it depends how old their children are and what the maturity level of their children is. One option is to begin introducing the idea of divorce through books. Two Homes is one such book that could be used to introduce the idea of divorce to young children. The books states that it is for children 3-7 (on the back) but I would argue that it is actually for the younger end of that spectrum. The book is very basic and could be used for a younger or less mature audience. Maybe 3-5 years old. The book revolves around Alex, presumably an only child and uses basic one-liners to show how things are different at each of his parent’s homes but it puts a positive spin on the fact that he has two of everything because he has two homes. At the end it emphasizes that he loves both of his parents and both of his parents love him. If both parents are committed to having an amicable separation and divorce, this could be a great book to introduce the changes the child will experience. My only hesitation would be that this book paints an ideal picture of what it will look like, which, if both parents aren’t committed to making it a smooth transition, this book might set the child’s expectations too high. But with this age group, I am not sure you have many alternatives because you definitely want to make every child feel comfortable and safe. I rate this book 4 ½ stars and I would suggest this book for children on the younger end of the age spectrum.
Change starts within you. That is the premise of this book. There are some great takeaways from this book. One of which is that it IS the power of the mind to be unconquerable. We are wired to win, and we win at what we want to win at. The only way to do this is to not be bothered by what others think about us. We must be willing to be judged by others and not let it get to us and in the end embrace the uncertainty in what lies ahead. If we can become comfortable with uncertainty, we will be able to adapt to the uncertainty much more easily. I firmly believe in the message of this book and it is executed well, although, perhaps more examples to illustrate the points would have been welcomed. Overall, I give this book 4 stars.
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